Hello everyone! Greetings once again from Northeast China!
It’s been since chinese Spring festival that I have written on this blog...so many emotions today As I type this entry on our last full day together in China. There is a reason I haven’t written..it’s because I’ve been focused elsewhere. Since the radiation treatment In Nov/Dec 2017, Rod has never really recovered, and in fact in April and May of 2018 when he was in the US, he had a series of 3 mini strokes/TIA’s and the long return trip to China was very difficult on him. At that point, we determined we needed to leave China definitively and set a date of July. So we put all of the wheels in motion targeting “mid July”. So here we are, on the last full day together in China. I hope to come back in September to do a handover with my successors at work...but that all depends on life at that time. My ticket is Round trip...Rod’s is one way. It’s not the way we planned to leave China, but we must live life on life’s terms.
Below, I have a few excerpts from my personal blog along this part of our journey. I’m so glad I have had the presence of mind to write when the going gets tough, I’ve done this all of my life, sometimes in a journal, sometimes in notes..it’s therapeutic for me, and maybe will help someone else one day. (And maybe it will be the source of a book some day?). Today it helps me, even though I write through tear stained eyes as I reread some of the entries, in the end it is helpful. God is with us both and is carrying us when we do not have the strength to carry ourselves...today and in the future. I know this and I cling to this.
There are no pictures in this post as I type this...my computer is packed and I’m doing this from my tablet, so manipulating a lot of photos is not so easy...maybe I’ll add some later. If you’re in it for the pictures of beautiful China, better move along..nothing to see in this post!
I’m a Christian and there are prayers in these posts...I do not apologize for this! I ask that you respect my beliefs as I respect yours. We have had the opportunity to live and travel the world being introduced to many different faiths and practices. We remain faithful to being Christians. If that offends you, then I suggest you skip this entry.
If you’re still here after the previous 2 paragraphs, I ask you to join me on a very personal journey and as always I ask for your prayers.
Today, I say Yes to life!
27 Dec 2017
As I write this, I’m on the 118th floor of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Hongkong. I am very encouraged today that Rod said he can feel his back getting better and he showed me a picture of him running the Great Wall marathon back in 2013 and he said he is going to get strong again like that! It’s the first time I’ve heard him say something positive like this since this most recent diagnosis and treatment series. I wanted this Christmas to be special because as I’ve written before, there are no guarantees. Especially when we’re talking stage 4 Cancer with multiple metastas. Especially when just yesterday when we left home he mentioned that for the first time in his life he felt vulnerable physically, that if he got attacked, he couldn’t defend himself. He still is in pain when he walks and his rear end is still like it’s sunburned and peeling now and itches him, but when he is talking about getting stronger that seems like a small price to pay.
Today, I choose to dwell on the positive and not get sucked into the what if’s. Today I choose to celebrate life and enjoy our blessings. Today, I say “yes to life”!
Father I thank you for our many blessings today. I thank you for Rod’s healing and our live for each other. I thank you for the birth of your Son Jesus and I ask that you continue to bless Rodney and I as we plot the course for our future. Help us to realize Father that each day is a gift and that Today is the day we seize and celebrate or the day we take for granted and let it slip away. Help us to seize the Day Father and continue us to do Your Will Together for as long as possible! Amen.
Home in a Box
30 Dec 2017
As I Type this, we’re on a cruise off the coast of Vietnam on our way to Taiwan. Rod hasn’t done any of the excursions because he doesn’t feel well. His back hurts, his hips hurt and he still has to pee a lot. As we sat on the balcony i mentioned that I was glad that he wasn’t one of the ones shipped home in a box, (from tHe Vietnam war) he said it may come sooner than we think. He said tonight that he knows he’s not well and what I heard was that he doesn’t think it will be long before he too will get shipped home in a box. I didn’t want to get sucked into the what if’s, but tonight’s talk on the balcony brought it all home again..is this the last New Years together, is this our last vacation together, is this our last anything together? Damn you Cancer. Damn you.
Father, I ask again that you give him many more years together, let us pull together, give him hope for the future. Give me hope For the future too.
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
13 January 2018
This week I started a new morning routine of giving Rod a short massage with the essential oils we bought on the cruise and praying for him as I lay my hands on him. He says he thinks it’s working! I don’t know what all is at work, with the radiation treatment recovery, the oils, the massage, and prayers. I know the prayers work..and the massage and oils are a bonus! I’m sure it’s a combination of all of the above, and I take this as good news. I see when he walks, he moves as though he’s not nearly as sore as he used to be. He tells me he thinks it’s working and that it feels good...and that is good enough for me! I thank God for this, and I take good news one day at a time!
PSA, Prayers and Pain.
24 Feb 2018
Rod had a PSA test this week. 11.73,almost exactly what it was before the radiation treatment...not so encouraging. I was hoping it would have gone down. He has been in a funk since then,and so have I. Now, his back seems to hurt...for awhile the essential oil massages helped him, now his back hurts all the time and his hips are hurting too. I can see it when he walks and it hurts me to see him in pain. He is also tired most of the time and last night he mentioned that he remembers our late brother in law Henri who died at 69 from liver cancer. He said he remembered asking God when he was first diagnosed to let him live as long as Henri, and he’s now lived two years longer than him. He cried last night when I was massaging him and and prayed to God to give us power and ability to get through our life when the other is gone. He doesn’t want to leave me anymore than I want to leave him.
Father, I thank you for giving us this time together until now. You know our strengths and weaknesses and I ask that you give us many more days, months, years together; we are much better together. Father, we know we do not know the day or the hour we will die. Rodney is about Your business Father and we believe he has much more to do here on earth before you call him home. If it be Your Will, Father, please take Rod’s pain away. Bless him Father. Amen.
“Well done thy good and faithful servant”
24 Mar 2018
Rod has been in a lot of back pain today having trouble walking. This afternoon he told me that while I was in Chinese class, he had a very clear voice from Jesus telling him “well done thy good and faithful servant”. Of course, I’m happy he has received such high praise... I also have to be honest that I feel it’s a confirmation that Jesus is ready to welcome him back home to heaven, that his days here on earth are short...and i dont like it. I know this may sound crazy to anyone reading this...and sometimes, it’s crazy to me. Rod is very highly spiritually connected and when he tells me he has been spoken to by Jesus, I know he is telling the truth. It makes my stomach ache to even think that he’s nearing death, and I pray morning and night with Rod that he can stay here on this earth much longer so that we both can continue to do His will. We will go tomorrow to get a professional photo session...have some fun, take some beautiful photos together and have a wonderful book created, for all time. I also hope to get a photographer at our family reunion in KY. It’s as if I want to capture every moment together and freeze it in time, trying to hold on to him forever.
Father, you know my fears, and even though I know I should trust, and I do trust, I’m scared. I’m scared that the end is near and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know how I will carry on without him, I don’t know what I will do, where I will live...and of course it’s fear of the unknown and fear of being alone. Father I ask that You grant me the understanding and courage to face my situation whenever it comes and help me live one day at a time. I ask that You keep me in today and enjoy our time together.
Pain and Prayers
13 April 2018
Rod got his PSA today, and as feared, it has gone up. He won’t tell me to what, but he said it’s higher. I looked..56.67. He told me today that he didn’t take the hormone shot since Feb 20th. Not sure why... I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he doesn’t take it...it’s the only hope now. He said due to what he has felt as a side effect with heart palpitations and swelling ankles, he feels like he’s trading seats in the titanic. He’s in pain as he walks, he can’t get comfortable when he lays down, he did finally agree to take some gout medicine which seems to help. He’s getting ready to go to the US on a tour...I’m sure he thinks it’s his last time to see some of these people...and it might be. I can’t be there with him at the beginning, but I’ll join him later in SC, then we’ll both go to KY to spend a week together. I’m not looking forward to our time apart and especially not being with him to help him as he travels. He’s going to Myrtle beach to the clinic, so that will be good for him. I’m still massaging him morning and evening and he says it makes it feel better for a few minutes, but then it’s back.
Father, I thank you for our love and our life together. I ask that you heal his cancer, I ask that you take away his pain and I ask for many more days on this earth together. We know Father that we do not know the hour of our death. I ask that if he goes before me that you give me strength to carry on. Amen.
Anniversary 35
23 April2018
Well, this anniversary we spend alone physically, but together in our hearts and minds...Rod is in the US on his family and friends tour 2018. He is telling everyone this is the last time he will do this. I will join you soon on the US for a business meeting, then we can have a week together on vacation!
PSA to TIA
2 May 2018
I awoke to news today that Rod has had a stroke/ TIA, not sure which one yet while in Louisville, KY. Thankfully son Chris was with him and took him to the hospital. I saw a video of him trying to answer the nurses questions and some words were right, many were wrong. His color was really red, and his blood pressure was high. Thank God he was with family. The good news is I spoke to him a few minutes ago and he sounded back to normal. He recited the alphabet perfectly. That leads me to believe that it was a TIA. As I write this, he has not seen the doctor yet, so no idea of the next step.
What a difference a week makes
8 May 2018
This time last week, I was oblivious that I would get a call that Rod had suffered a stroke. Today, due to the wonderful help of his son Christopher and some very attentive doctors and nurses and the almighty God the father, he is with me here in Louisville, KY with no permanent damage from the stroke! He was getting ready to get on a bus to go to Myrtle Beach for a week of treatment, but Thankfully his son saw that he wasn’t acting or speaking right and convinced him to go tot he hospital. What would have happened if he would have gotten in that bus and the clot allowed to just stay there? No telling! Instead, he went to a stroke trauma Center very close to where his son’s family lives and they gave him some immediate treatment which dissolved the clot quickly, limiting the scope and in fact making it a reality that there would be no permanent damage! That is a God thing! The docs told him to stay around the area, so we are doing just that. Staying close and resting. His back still hurts a lot, but at least he is able to walk, talk and generally be normal. Thank you God!
Father I want to say a big thank you again for your Divine intervention in Rod’s life and ensuring that he is not shut down just yet! Thank you father for ensuring that he got quick help, that we have good insurance, that son Christopher was there, that he didn’t get on the bus..and the list goes on and on. Father I ask that you heal the cancer in Rod’s body.
1 stroke, 2 strokes, xxx strokes more..
21 May 2018
What a crazy last 2 weeks. Rod was in the US doing his “friends and family” tour, while Inwas still in China I got a call from son Christopher that Rod was in the hospital after having suffered a mini-stroke or TIA. At that time, I got my tickets changed and came earlier than planned. It was really a God thing where Christopher noticed that something wasn’t right and took him to the hospital and they diagnosed the problem and gave him the anti-stroke medication. Within 24 hours he was speaking and thinking normally again. By the time I got here, he had been released from the hospital with no permanent damage and told to take aspirin every day. Everything seemed normal.
After that I went to SC as planned for my business trip but he did not go with me. He spent the week back with Christopher in their home, and then drove up to Cincinnati to pick me up on Friday evening. I drove to Maysville and because we were not sure of his health, we changed our reservation to just stay there all week instead of moving of around. He went with me to my high school reunion and was wiped out after that and spend the next day sleeping most of the day.
He informed me that he had given up driving alone..he didn’t feel comfortable and in fact when he was in Louisville during the time I was in SC, he said he had to pull off of the road because his head felt really “swimmy” like it did before the stroke. At that time, there was no immediate symptoms, but he said he was afraid he would hurt someone or something, so he didn’t want to drive. That is a big deal for him..a very big deal.
Today, when I was with a high school girlfriend having coffee and tea, he was at the hotel and he called our life insurance company to make sure his premiums where up to date. When I got back from my friends date, He told me that In the middle of talking about to the insurance person, he had another mini-stroke, where his tongue for thick and he couldn’t concentrate and feel he couldn’t talk or think right. When I spoke to him he sounded ok and he said he felt ok. He convinced me he didn’t want to go to the hospital. I hope I don’t regret this.
Is this the way a person with stage 4 cancer dies? Slowly, painfully, progressive additional ailments?
This trip has been my wake up call..he is much sicker than I thought. Back in China, I only saw him for about an hour in the morning and 2 hours in the evening..now that I have been with him all day for several days, it’s evident for me that he’s sick. He’s weak, he’s fragile and he’s not confident (all of these descriptors are the exact opposite of husband of 35 years). I’m calling into question everything about myself..retirement, future plans etc because I want to take actions to get him back to the US before I’m bringing him home in an urn.
Father, I think you for the time we have had together and Thank you for being a part of his mission in life. Thank you for the true love we share. I ask that you heal Rodney’s mind and body. I ask that you relieve him of the pain he is feeling and also I ask that you give him understanding of me and me of him. Heal him Father, if it be Your will. Amen
Praying for a miracle and signalling intentions
30 May 2018
We’re on the plane in route to China. It has been nice to see friends and family and now we are returning to our other home in Shenyang, hoping to get back to a routine, where Rod does not have to move around. He’s not feeling well at all right now on the flight..it is taking everything he’s got to make this trip. The cancer is sucking the life out of him before my eyes. He will get the PET scan next week to see the story. Unfortunately, I think we already know..I think the cancer was not stopped by the radiation. I massage him daily and unabashedly pray for a miracle for healing and ask God to remove the pain in his back and now the groin. I hope the doctor tells him to restart on the hormone therapy, I hope the hormone therapy can slow it down..even though it didn’t seem to have been doing that.
He’s no longer on the diet Dr Dong prescribed anymore, eating basically whatever he wants, especially sweets. He told me earlier he just doesn’t care anymore. This is a bad sign for me, signaling he has given up. I believe in his heart of hearts, he knows something....What does he know? I don’t know..only God knows. I believe he thinks the end is near...how near? So many depressing thoughts.
This trip has been a wake up call for me. I have been able to see first hand how weak he is, how much he sleeps, how he walks with a limp..and now with these mini-strokes, it amplifies my awareness how sick he is, no matter the brave face he puts on.
With all of this in mind, I’ve now asked my personnel manager at work to start working on a replacement for me in China and plan on the end of the year 2018. We told his sons that is our intention and they were relieved. Is that soon enough? I don’t know. I hope so. If news next week on the PET scan is not good, then I’ll pull the trigger to go back sooner.
Father God, I thank you for all of the time we have had together and thank you for all of our blessings and provisions You have provided. I thank you for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and intuitive thought. I thank You for our family and friends and all of their support. Father, I continue to ask for a miracle of healing for Rodney and stop the growth of cancer in his prostate, bladder, backbone and pelvis. I ask that You help him rebuild his bones and give him strength and relieve him of the pain. I ask that Father so that he can continue to do Your will all over the world. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Breaking bones, breaking heart
1 June 2018
The trip from the US to China was too much for him. Too much walking, and when we arrived in Shenyang, he was exhausted. On Friday morning, he said he had a bad head ache and high blood pressure. He went to the doctor and the doctor told him that the sever pain he has is the cause of the high blood pressure and the doctor gave him a high powered pain killer. He took it thank God. I went to work in the morning, but I came home in the afternoon. Rod went to get a massage that he thought would help. I picked him up at the massage place and Rod said he had no pain, but that during the massage he thinks the massager broke a rib during the massage. He said that that was a wake up call for him...his bones are very fragile...”a soft spot” he said. He likely has several fractures all over causing him to have pain, and now he has a broken rib, caused only by the force of a massage.
The jet lag and seeing him suffer and struggle keeps me up. My only release is to write..because I can’t talk without crying and sobbing.
Punch 1 of the 1-2 punch
7 June 2018
Today, I took off work to go with Rod to get the PSA blood test and PET scan. Our Chinese friends took off work too and helped accompany us through the very efficient, very busy Shenyang Hospital 1. He took the tests and it was evident he was not comfortable at all, and after the tests were done, we came home and he couldn’t get comfortable anywhere. He even took off his necklace and bracelet because it hurt his skin. He moved from the bed, to the chair, to the floor. I felt so bad for him, even though he took pain medicines, he was in agony. I felt so helpless, I tried to massage him, but even that hurt him.
Then we got the PSA results...> 100. Rod looked at it and said to me “Your boy is going down”. I’m numb, just numb.
Father,
I thank you for all the time we have shared together and having experienced real love. I thank you for being able to be part of his life. I ask that you relieve him of the pain and again, I ask for a miracle to extend his life with me, if it be your will. I don’t know what to do. I ask you Father to lead and guide me and send your Holy Spirit to me to tell me what to do.
Punch 2 of the 1-2 punch..a kick in the gut
8 June 2018
Today, we got the results, and it’s not good. The doc was not here, but we could read the book and see the pictures ourselves...we’ve done this before. It has spread to his lymph system, it’s up on his voice box, on his ribs, middle of his back and it looks like it’s in his lungs too, in addition to the original places of prostate, bladder, pelvis and backbone.
I’m numb, I’m just a sobbing piece of numbness. Ok cancer, you won...you got him here on earth, but God will welcome him to Heaven...that’s my only solace. Joined at the heart forever. Father, you know my heart Is broken, you know when you will welcome him home. You know my prayers and I ask for strength. I cannot bear this alone.
Sunrise, Sunset
16 June 2018
It’s Saturday morning and another dip on the roller coaster of cancer. Monday and Tuesday of this week, Rod was in horrible pain, could not get comfortable, chilling and achy like he had the flu, then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, he seemed like his old self, up and positive, had some pain, it stil mobile, then today, he did not sleep, feels achy and woke up drenched with sweat. I’m so grateful we have made the decision to go back to the US. . It is a lot of work to move, but I just don’t want the added stress of him dying in China. I want to move him while he’s able. Some days he is able, other days, not so much. Michelin has been so supportive during this and for that I’m so very grateful. Our friends and family are also very supportive and have offered to help us in any way. That means the world to me.
I told my team at work this past week that I was leaving. Lots of sad faces, but they will get through. They are sad for us both as they all know Rodney. Sad for themselves as it means a new boss at some point in the future, and they don’t know when that is, neither do it. The obligatory leaving China party is scheduled now, and the green light has been given to the movers to make appointments with us., many of the actions I write down on my check list are all starting to happen now...it’s reality. I’m doing the checklists, and intellectually, I’m OK, emotionally, I’m still numb. Just numb, running on fumes
Father God, I thank you for all of the time we have had together, going all over the world, doing Your Will as best we know how. Thank you for the gift of knowing true love here on this earth and helping Rod, and seeing how very much Rod had helped and supported me. He is an incredible man and I thank you for this gift of time we have together. I ask once again for another miracle Father, I ask that you stop the growth of the cancer in his body, You know where it is and I ask that hat if it be Your Will that You stop it growing. I ask for strength to accept Your will and if he is to go before me, then I ask for the strength to carry on, one moment at a time. I ask for acceptance and understanding. I ask that You welcome him back into your arms and welcome him Home with You and give him comfort. I ask that You assign him the mission to continue to take care of me. Amen.
My heart goes out with the books
17 June 2018
Today, Rod is trudging away..We continue to sort through stuff, getting ready for our departure from China. I can see he is in pain. He is meeting with a Chinese friend of ours and giving her some of his prize possessions...his books. We tell her we are leaving. I’m not sure she grasps the seriousness of the situation. She says he looks good, and on the outside, she is right..he does look good. She is somewhat stunned by our news.
These are very personal books and he wants her to have, books that he has carried all over the world and is now giving to her. I saw the first one being given, and after that I left, I just couldn’t watch it. It made my stomach sick and my eyes tear up. I know why he wanted her to have them, but it just made it that much more real...that he knows the end is near and this is his way of giving a piece of his heart to those dear to him. A piece of his heart goes with the books seemingly peacefully, yet at the same time, my heart is being ripped out. Nothing peaceful about it. I take a picture to capture the moment, trying to keep him alive through a digital image, even while my heart trying to keep on beating, my eyes are full of tears and my stomach in knots.
Father, I thank you for being able to share my life with such a caring, genuine man for the past 35+ years. I thank you for the time spent with his gentle soul and loving spirit. I know you have additional missions for him and I just ask for the strength to accept that. I already yearn for the time we will be together for eternity with You. Even so, I ask for yet another miracle of healing and I trust Your will to be done in our lives. You know our needs and I ask for strength to carry on
.
Up and down round and round...where it he stops nobody knows..
25 June 2018
Today, When I came home from work, Rod was angry...angry at our friends for trying to help him find a cure for the cancer, angry at me for “making him move to the US”, angry at any female for “ganging up on him, telling him what to do, angry at cancer for making him feel bad...just angry. It made me feel frustrated that I’m changing everything about my life so that if he dies, I’m not having to deal with it in China. Selfish on my part? maybe, but I don’t think so. I think he’s feeling bad and lashing out at anyone close to him as a way to feel in control of his life.
Father, I’m trying to be the faithful, loving woman I need to be for Rodney. I thank you for my difficulties, so that I can appreciate the good days and moments. Thank you for all of the good days and moments we have shared together. I ask that you bless him and keep him and if it be Your will, please take away his pain and his anger. I ask that you heal the cancer and restore his bones. I ask that you restore his spirit.
Trail of Tears
4 July 2018
Last night Rod didn’t sleep at all, and he was in pain, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get comfortable. This morning, he told me it’s the worst he has ever felt and he told me he remembered my mother, just setting at the table, in pain, no energy. He wondered aloud that he had been lead by God to be with my mom in her last days to see how it was going to be. We both cried, sitting on the side of the bed. He said he wasn’t afraid of dying he was sad to be leaving me, with no one to take care of me. He said he felt so bad for putting me through this...the inevitable death of the love of my life, my friend, my lover, my confidant, my spiritual leader, my Rodney. I feel so bad for him, I hate to see him in pain, I hate to be putting him through this big move at a time when he feels really bad all over. It’s obvious I waited too long to ask to go back. I ask God to let him alive until we fly out on the 16th of July.
Later today I read the translation of the PET scan. It’s not good, even worse than we thought. It’s on his bronchial tubes, in his throat, left lung, liver, adrenal glands, rectum, prostate,aorta at the T3/4 area of the backbone, multiple points in the skeletal and spinal structure. In other words, it’s everywhere.
Father God, I thank you for all the time we have had together. I thank you for life we have shared all over the world. I thank You for all of the people he has helped all over the world. I ask again for another miracle to healing in my Rodney, if it be Your will Lord. I ask that you give us both strength to get through the days ahead. I ask that you bless him and relieve him of the suffering. I ask that You let him see his sons again in the US and let them know we both love them. Father, I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ.
From China With Love
15 July 2018
Today we make our final preparations to leave China. The movers have come and gone, most of the goodbyes have been said, the going away parties and gifts presented...many tears have been And will continue toto be shed as we go to the next chapter of our lives.
We have a plan...get back to Greenville, recuperate from the trip and jet lag, get him hooked up with a GP doc, see if he qualifies for hospice if so, get hooked up with that, then find a place to live that is convenient to that, get the air shipment delivered there, and then try to live our lives as much as possible until we can’t. We hope too just feel like we’re on vacation for a while!
I’m so grateful for the time we have been together, so grateful for the man he is and continues he’s to be, so grateful for knowing and experiencing true love. I’m also grateful to work for an excellent t company Michelin. A 125 year old company that still has a heart, and for which I have strived to be part of the driving force to keep it going for another 100+ years. I have prepared all of the handover documents and left them with my assistant in case I can’t come back in September and do it face to face. I have shared our accomplishments and dreams with my teams so that hopefully they will continue on the path we started together professionally. Today Rodney and I did a video interview when I asked him to go over the financial documents And any last wishes or advice for me. I know it will help me when the time comes, but it was hard to do. I have done all I know to do both personally and professionally to prepare.
Father God I thank you for all of the blessings in our lives, Thank You for the experience of true love with Rodney, Thank You for the revelations You have given Rodney and he has shared with me, Thank You for loving friends and family all over the world, Thank you for a good job and a wonderful company, thank you for clarity of thought and most of all Father, thank You for giving your Son Jesus so that we may have eternal life. Father, I ask that you send your Angels to us and watch over us as we travel back to the US, I ask that you give Rodney peace and comfort as we make this long trip, I ask that you send Your Holy Spirit to us to tell us truth and show us the next right steps as we enter into this next phase of our life. Amen.
Until next time, we ask for your continued prayers.
Sarah & Rodney
